The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
