I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
