Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
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This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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