I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
