I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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