Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
