Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
id be glad to
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Life without a bra equals bliss.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
