separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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