I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I supernannyed him into submission
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
