My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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