walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
