May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
