I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
