I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
