My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
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is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
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How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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