Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
