After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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