And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
