sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
