if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
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"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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