He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
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I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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