I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
