I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
