I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am