i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.