We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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