people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
