Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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