You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
