my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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