Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
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LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize