soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
