She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
fuck your aforementioned shoe
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
