I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
