My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
