Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
