The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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