She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize