remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
