I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
