just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
