2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
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The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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