don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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