um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
