Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
