my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
