just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
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