I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
