I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I could fuck to npr.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
