All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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