you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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