I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
