I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
