I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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