My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
