I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
