you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
