good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I queefed so loud it echoed.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
