dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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